read this somewhr .
super funny .
-----
Few Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist asking for the time...
I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours?
Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their a** to search the
entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to
the TV and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "it's always the last place you look".
Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've
found it?
4. When people say while watching a film, "did ya see that?"
No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor!
5. When something is 'new and improved'. Which is it? If it's new, then
there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then
there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
6. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks
"Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would I be standing here???
okay so maybe tht isnt so funny, but ...
i swear, this'll make you laugh.
In Honor of Stupid People
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity,
here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (Shoot, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap," (and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, ooh...fly Delta?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my ..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
lol, if you didnt find this funny, you officially dont have a sense of humor.
the words in brackets are just the writer's sarcastic comments,
so yeahh , you dont've to keep rereading agn and agn if you dont understand.
----
Too often, we loose sight of life's simple pleasures.
Remember when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown,
BUT it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch-slap the
mother-fker upsidedown .
true enough.
------
LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES
(You MUST read them out loud or it doesnt make as much sense)...
1) Thats not right - Sum Ting Wong / something wrong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive - Hu Yu Hai Ding /who you hiding
3) See me ASAP - Kum Hia Nao / come here now
4) Stupid Man - Dum Fuk / dumb fool
5) Small horse -Tai Ni Po Ni / tiny pony
6) Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan / why you so tan
7) I bumped in to a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni / i bang my fking knee
8) I think you need a face lift - Chin Tu Fat / chin too fat
9) It's very dark in here - Wao So Dim / why so dim
10) I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching / why you munching
11) This is a tow away zone - No Pah King / no parking
12) staying out of sight - Lei Ying Lo / laying low
13) He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka / washing car
14) Your body odor is offensive - Yu Stin Ki / you stinking
15) Great - Fa Kin Su Pah / fking super
zzz, tho it isnt rlly hanyu pinyin,
but yeahhh , weird.
--
Three lawyers and three engineers were travelling by train to a conference.
At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought only one ticket between them.
How are you going to travel on a single ticket?. asked a lawyer.
Wait and watch, answered one of the engineers.
When they boarded the train, the lawyers took their seats,
but the three engineers crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them.
Shortly after the train started, the ticket collector arrived.
He knocked on the toilet door and asked, Ticket please.
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The ticket collector took it and moved on.
Seeing this, the lawyers decided to the same thing on the return trip.
So when they got to the station, they bought only one ticket.
To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy any.
How are you going to travel without a ticket? asked one of the perplexed lawyers.
Wait and watch, answered an engineer.
In the train, the three engineers crammed into a toilet
and the three lawyers into another nearby.
Soon after the train started, one of the engineers got out of the toilet
and walked to one where the lawyers were hiding.
He knocked on the door and said, Ticket, please.
-----
Boy to mother:
I've decided to stop studying..
How come? asked the mother.
I heard that that someone was shot dead, because he knew too much.
---
A judge looked severely at the defendant and asked,
How many times have you been imprisoned?.
Nine, your Honour..
Nine? In this case, I will give you the maximum sentence.
Maximum sentence? said the defendant.
Don't you give your regular clients a discount?
-------
A rather inebriated fellow on a bus was tearing up a newspaper into
tiny pieces and throwing them out the window.
Excuse me, said the woman sitting next to him.
But, would you mind explaining why you're doing this?
It scares away the elephants,. replied the drunk.
But I don't see any elephants around here, said the woman.
Effective, isn't it? crowed the drunk.
-----------
A salesman was dismissed because he was rude to a customer.
A month later the sales manager spotted him walking about in a police uniform.
'I see you've joined the force, ' said the sales manager.
'Yes, Sir. This is the job I've been looking for all my life.
Here the customer is always wrong.'
----
Two employers were talking.
Said one: 'I fear that young man I employed last week as a cashier is dishonest. '
'Oh', replied the other, 'you shouldn't judge by appearances.'
'Im not. I'm judging by disappearances!'
---
Teacher : You missed school yesterday, didnt you?
Pupil: Not a bit.
---
Patient: Doctor, do you think that I will live until I.m a hundred?
Doctor: Do you smoke or drink?.
Patient: No.
Doctor: Do you drive fast cars, gamble, or play around with women?
Patient: Certainly not!
Doctor: Then what do you want to live to a hundred for?
------
posting ltr i guess. needa eat and audi first . :)
enjoy your dayyyyyyy
8:47 PM //
There's no love here.
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Link
read this somewhr .
super funny .
-----
Few Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist asking for the time...
I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours?
Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their a** to search the
entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to
the TV and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "it's always the last place you look".
Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've
found it?
4. When people say while watching a film, "did ya see that?"
No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor!
5. When something is 'new and improved'. Which is it? If it's new, then
there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then
there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
6. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks
"Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would I be standing here???
okay so maybe tht isnt so funny, but ...
i swear, this'll make you laugh.
In Honor of Stupid People
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity,
here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (Shoot, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap," (and that would be how???....)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)
On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, ooh...fly Delta?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my ..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
lol, if you didnt find this funny, you officially dont have a sense of humor.
the words in brackets are just the writer's sarcastic comments,
so yeahh , you dont've to keep rereading agn and agn if you dont understand.
----
Too often, we loose sight of life's simple pleasures.
Remember when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown,
BUT it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch-slap the
mother-fker upsidedown .
true enough.
------
LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES
(You MUST read them out loud or it doesnt make as much sense)...
1) Thats not right - Sum Ting Wong / something wrong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive - Hu Yu Hai Ding /who you hiding
3) See me ASAP - Kum Hia Nao / come here now
4) Stupid Man - Dum Fuk / dumb fool
5) Small horse -Tai Ni Po Ni / tiny pony
6) Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan / why you so tan
7) I bumped in to a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni / i bang my fking knee
8) I think you need a face lift - Chin Tu Fat / chin too fat
9) It's very dark in here - Wao So Dim / why so dim
10) I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching / why you munching
11) This is a tow away zone - No Pah King / no parking
12) staying out of sight - Lei Ying Lo / laying low
13) He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka / washing car
14) Your body odor is offensive - Yu Stin Ki / you stinking
15) Great - Fa Kin Su Pah / fking super
zzz, tho it isnt rlly hanyu pinyin,
but yeahhh , weird.
--
Three lawyers and three engineers were travelling by train to a conference.
At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought only one ticket between them.
How are you going to travel on a single ticket?. asked a lawyer.
Wait and watch, answered one of the engineers.
When they boarded the train, the lawyers took their seats,
but the three engineers crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them.
Shortly after the train started, the ticket collector arrived.
He knocked on the toilet door and asked, Ticket please.
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The ticket collector took it and moved on.
Seeing this, the lawyers decided to the same thing on the return trip.
So when they got to the station, they bought only one ticket.
To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy any.
How are you going to travel without a ticket? asked one of the perplexed lawyers.
Wait and watch, answered an engineer.
In the train, the three engineers crammed into a toilet
and the three lawyers into another nearby.
Soon after the train started, one of the engineers got out of the toilet
and walked to one where the lawyers were hiding.
He knocked on the door and said, Ticket, please.
-----
Boy to mother:
I've decided to stop studying..
How come? asked the mother.
I heard that that someone was shot dead, because he knew too much.
---
A judge looked severely at the defendant and asked,
How many times have you been imprisoned?.
Nine, your Honour..
Nine? In this case, I will give you the maximum sentence.
Maximum sentence? said the defendant.
Don't you give your regular clients a discount?
-------
A rather inebriated fellow on a bus was tearing up a newspaper into
tiny pieces and throwing them out the window.
Excuse me, said the woman sitting next to him.
But, would you mind explaining why you're doing this?
It scares away the elephants,. replied the drunk.
But I don't see any elephants around here, said the woman.
Effective, isn't it? crowed the drunk.
-----------
A salesman was dismissed because he was rude to a customer.
A month later the sales manager spotted him walking about in a police uniform.
'I see you've joined the force, ' said the sales manager.
'Yes, Sir. This is the job I've been looking for all my life.
Here the customer is always wrong.'
----
Two employers were talking.
Said one: 'I fear that young man I employed last week as a cashier is dishonest. '
'Oh', replied the other, 'you shouldn't judge by appearances.'
'Im not. I'm judging by disappearances!'
---
Teacher : You missed school yesterday, didnt you?
Pupil: Not a bit.
---
Patient: Doctor, do you think that I will live until I.m a hundred?
Doctor: Do you smoke or drink?.
Patient: No.
Doctor: Do you drive fast cars, gamble, or play around with women?
Patient: Certainly not!
Doctor: Then what do you want to live to a hundred for?
------
posting ltr i guess. needa eat and audi first . :)
enjoy your dayyyyyyy
8:47 PM //
Out of the darkness and into the sun